worries

So the previews for "coming home" are killing me. I am always happy to see them return home and the surprise on their faces but for the ones that never get that my heart goes out to them. Now with a good bye my self in the future I can not watch the show. I know I have already said this before, but I am a glass half empty kinda person. So for me I think I really might not get that. D's mom will have had 2 out of 3 boys deployed in 2 years. One of the boys is 9 so of course he wont be going any time soon, however can one mother be lucky enough to have both boys return unharmed?? D's brother was safe where he was and has a great job that doesn't involve much danger. But D's job is not great(all I can say about it).. So I worry, are we going to lose him? What are the odds? We have never known some one personally that has not returned from war, will it be my husband?? I can't help but think of these feelings.

"War Issues" have been coming up more and more lately. I have tried to just ignore them, didn't work. Got sad about them to get it out of my system, didn't work. Now I am just plan angry about them. If a song about war comes on or the troops I flip out, if the is a war/military movie on I have to leave the room. I just can not take it right now. There was a documentary on the other day with the soldiers and D wanted to watch it I got so mad/started to cry in a second without knowing what happened it upset me so bad. I know these feelings are kinda normal. You know the whole I don't want you to go kinda thing, but I am very worried. I just want to hit fast forward on us and we pick up on the other side of this happy and healthy, but what if that isn't the plan? I don't know if I can handle that. How would I tell our son what happened, how will i function everyday, for him or for myself ?? I know whatever the plan is for me is going to happen no matter what but I guess I feel like if it is a car wreck then we couldn't stop it but signing into the military we could have. I would never want anything else for him. I want nothing more then to be an army wife. Why does this life have to be so uncertian and scary. I get a lot of i'm sorry's and that sucks.. Yeah it does but what can we do, nothing.

I guess where I am going with this small rant is Im scared and I needed to write it out to feel better. We chose this life in the military together and it was a big decision. Now I did not know what I was getting into when he got in but I wouldn't change a thing. I love the being married to a soldier. I hope in the up coming months my attitude will change.